She Will Be Loved
by dannica webb
Summary: The night of the Admiral's Dining Out, Mac goes straight home after her procedure. Harm comes to check on her. Complete; one-shot. Posted previously but accidentally purged.


Takes place near the end of Hail and Fairwell I. Mac didn't go to the dining out, and Harm comes to check on her. Songs are Tangent by Beth Orton, She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5, and Ocean Wide by The Afters. I accidentally deleted this during a purge of my unfinished/abandoned stories and lost previous readers/reviews – I'm really sorry about this to anyone who reviewed! I was pleasantly shocked and totally grateful for the original awesome reception of this story.

***

_Lost myself in a tangent of words_

_Can't decide what I've seen or heard_

_Can't sleep for counting sheep_

_How long does this river run deep?_

_How long does this river run deep?_

Mac entered her apartment, dropping her bag in exhaustion, not bothering to reach for the light switch. She sat down heavily on the couch and drew her legs up underneath her. When she left the hospital, she'd had the intention of coming home to get ready for the Admiral's dining out, then taking a cab like the doctor suggested, but after nearly walking out in traffic then barely keeping herself from having an accident, all she could do was sit there numbly in the dark.

After awhile, she reached for her phone. She had to call Harm and at least let him know she wasn't coming. While she was wondering how she was going to handle his questions, the phone blessedly rang through to voice mail; he was probably still getting ready. "Harm, it's me...um, Mac." She coughed, trying to remember the words, but it was like trying to cup water in her hands. She sighed. "I'm not feeling well. Please give the Admiral my regards, tell him I'll call him Monday. See you at work." She closed the phone and let it fall into her lap. Shaking, she held her knees up to her chest and rested her head on them.

_Building them up in order to find what's not lost but left behind_

_My instinct got bruised but I still see_

_I was a victim, I'll be no casualty_

_Just like coming home, just like coming home_

_Just like coming home, felt just like coming home_

After she'd cried all she thought she could, she finally stood from the couch and made her way slowly to the bedroom. Stiffness and weakness had settled heavy in her back and belly, but it was the squeezing feeling in her heart that was the worst. She peeled her uniform off and crawled under the sheets, praying for sleep to come. But the longer she laid there, the more her mistakes haunted her.

If there were ever a chance for her and Harm, it was gone now. She'd alienated him - sure, he'd helped, but she was the one truly to blame for the gulf between them. She missed Clay, but mostly she missed having someone there, and she cursed herself for getting so involved with him. Just like with Mic, she'd been too busy numbing the pain of loneliness to realize she was wholly destroying any chance she might ever have with Harm. She'd been waiting and waiting for him, and now that it looked like he might have finally let go - thanks in large part to Mattie - she couldn't be who she wanted to be, for him. Even though he could stand to be friends with her, there was no chance of a future for them. There was no chance of a future for her.

_They say that you weave deadly tricks_

_Can trip to the worldly hicks_

_Stare cold with dull surprise_

_Spark evil to hell in every tear you cry_

_Every tear you cry_

Sure, she loved the military. She loved her job, loved serving her country, loved her friends. But after talking to Harriet about leaving work to have the twins, it had hit home more than ever how badly she wanted a family. With Harm, yes, but also...to have a family of her own. To carry a child...Harm's child.

There was a time when her career was all she really cared about, a time when her ambition to constantly strive to be a better Marine, a better lawyer, to gain rank, had taken precedence over that. And it was a necessity; the military had saved her from despair over not having a family, over being able to depend on no one but herself. But that became a trap. She and Harm both had used work as an excuse not to get together, both skirting the reality that they could be transferred into different commands although it might mean taking a career hit. But if she'd known then what she knew now, she would have given up her career in a heartbeat.

How had Harriet put it? "There was a time when the military was my life. But it can't hold a candle to having a child."

_Building them up in order to find what's not lost but left behind_

_My instinct got bruised but I still see_

_I was a victim, I'll be no casualty_

_Just like coming home, just like coming home_

_Just like coming home, felt just like coming home_

She tossed and turned until finally standing up and walking over to her purse. She pulled out the bottle of pills the doctor had given her - for pain and for sleep - and scanned the label. She hated taking these things; despite her high tolerance for alcohol, she was really sensitive to pain pills. But maybe what she needed was to sleep awhile for now. To shut her mind up, if only for a little bit. She tipped two into her hand and swallowed them dry, making her way blindly back to the bed.

_Cut off my toes to spite my feet_

_Drank your poison, didn't taste too sweet_

_Saw the heavens in my mind_

_And it's there for me to find_

_Oh, it's there for me to find_

_Lost myself in a tangent_

_***_

_Beauty queen of only 18, she had some trouble with herself_

_He was always there to help her, she always belonged to someone else_

_I drove for miles and miles and wound up at your door_

_I've had you so many times but somehow I want more_

Harm checked his phone again, hoping there would be another message from Mac, an explanation. But there was none. He finally took his leave a bit early, apologizing to the Admiral, who was at least understanding - he could tell the older man was worried about Mac, too, although it hadn't dampened the spirits of the ceremony too much. Giving Bud one more congratulatory shake on his way out, he considered the possibilities.

She could just have a bug. In fact, that's probably all it was. He knew she was upset about Webb, but not upset enough to miss the Admiral's dining out. But something in her voice on that message - something in her hesitation - told him it might be more serious. Running a hand through his hair, he got in the car and made for Georgetown.

_I don't mind spending every day out on your corner in the pouring rain_

_Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay awhile_

_And she will be loved, she will be loved_

Her car was in the parking lot; that was a good sign. He could tell from outside that the lights were off in her apartment. She was probably sleeping, but he went up anyway. He knocked a few times and called her name. Feeling a twinge of guilt, he finally pulled out his copy of her key and slid it into the lock; it hurt him to admit that they hadn't been close enough in a long time for him to think of using that, except in an extreme emergency, but he couldn't leave without knowing she was okay. It wasn't like her to not wake up when someone knocked on the door; she was the lightest sleeper of anyone he knew.

"Mac?" he called. Her purse was on the coffee table, her keys and cell phone strewn beside it. There was a crumpled pharmacy bag on the end table next to the couch with an open bottle of medicine next to it. He called her name again, glancing in the direction of her bedroom, where the door was ajar. Scanning the label of the bottle absently, he made his way into her bedroom.

_Tap on my window, knock on my door_

_I want to make you feel beautiful_

_I know I tend to get so insecure_

_It doesn't matter anymore_

_It's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along_

_My heart is full and my door's always open, you come anytime you want_

She was curled up in a tiny ball on one side of the bed, sleeping soundly. Her breathing was so shallow that for a moment he nearly panicked, but he realized she'd taken two of the pills and they must have just knocked her out really well. The label said for post-surgery pain and discomfort; he noticed that the prescribing doctor was the same one with whom he'd made the appointment for her earlier in the week, but she hadn't told him she was going to have surgery. He sighed, wondering what else he might have missed in his worrying over Mattie, what else she wasn't telling him.

He wanted to wake her just to be sure she was okay, but it seemed like she needed the sleep, so he just stripped down to his uniform pants and crawled gingerly into the bed beside her. At least he could keep watch.

_I don't mind spending every day out on your corner in the pouring rain_

_Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay awhile_

_And she will be loved, she will be loved_

_I know why you hide alone in your car_

_Know all of the things that make you who you are_

_I know that goodbye means nothing at all_

_Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls_

***

_Look outside, it's already light and the stars ran away with the night_

_Things were said, words that we'll try to forget, it's so hard to admit_

_I know we've made mistakes; I see through all the tears_

_But that's what got us here_

Mac rolled over groggily, but her mind cleared in an instant when she saw the half-naked sailor lying on top of her sheets. She sat up in surprise, waking him immediately, then cursed herself for doing so; he looked around, almost as surprised as she was.

"Morning sunshine," he said, once he seemed to have gotten his bearings.

She pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping the sheet around herself. "Morning yourself, sailor. What are you doing here?" she asked wearily, wincing a bit at the residual discomfort from the surgery and the hangover from the medication.

He propped his head up on an arm, studying her face, and she suddenly felt very self-conscious. So much for distancing herself for the sake of her dignity. Or what was left of her shattered emotions. She lowered her brown eyes from his intense blue ones. "I just thought I'd come by to check on you after the dining out, but I got worried when you didn't answer the door, so I used my key to get in."

She gave a half-smile. "Well, no need to worry. I'm fine. You shouldn't have stayed...it must have been uncomfortable."

***

Harm shrugged. "I've slept in worse places." _Damn straight, sailor. In fact, every place you've ever slept pales in comparison to Sarah MacKenzie's bed._ He cleared his throat. _Down, boy._ "Why didn't you tell me you were having surgery, Mac?"

She shrugged helplessly, looking so small and lost that it tugged at his heart. Despite his constant need to protect her, really facing the idea that Mac was vulnerable was hard for him; it was so different from the hard assed image she always projected. And, he realized, they all bought into it and expected her to live up to it; Bud, the Admiral, even he was surprised when she showed that she was human. Before he could think about it or even question what he was doing, he sat up and pulled her into his lap.

She looked up at him, clearly surprised. They'd always been close emotionally but physical closeness was a rare blessing; they hugged occasionally and he could count on one hand - and recall in embarrassing detail - every kiss they'd ever shared in the last eight years. Then she crumbled; he felt it more than saw it. He tightened his arms around her as she pressed her face into his shoulder, shaking. "Oh, Mac."

_If love is an ocean wide, we swim in the tears we cry_

_They'll see us through to the other side, we're gonna make it_

_When love is a raging sea, you can hold onto me_

_We'll find a way tonight, cause love is an ocean wide_

"Damn you," she said finally through her tears, lifting her head after several moments. "I was going to be calm. Rational, even." She gave a small, rueful laugh.

He held a hand up to her face, brushing the tears away with his fingertips. "You mean you were going to push me away again." He studied her face.

She shrugged again, looking away. "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

He held her to him, enjoying the feeling of having her in his arms. Why hadn't he ever done this before? He laid his head back against the headboard of her bed, closing his eyes, and she leaned against his chest. They stayed like that for awhile before he broke the silence.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" he asked quietly, running a hand through her hair.

She smiled against his skin. "Not particularly, but I don't really have a choice, do I?" Her expression became serious again. She sat up, looking into his eyes. "The doctor had to do a laparoscopic procedure to find out what was wrong." She took a deep breath, clearly struggling to maintain her calm. "I have endometriosis, Harm."

"What?" he asked, reaching up to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. "Is that like cancer?"

She shook her head. "No, thank God." Inwardly, he shook with relief. "It's scar tissue. They removed it, but..." her voice broke and the tears started again. He cupped her cheek.

"But what, Mac? Whatever it is, we'll get through this. It will be okay. I promise," he said seriously, hugging her tightly to him.

_I'll stay right here, it's where I'll always belong_

_Tied with your arms_

_Days like this, I wish the sun wouldn't set_

_I don't want to forget what made us feel this way_

_You see through all my fears_

_And that's what got us here_

"But...I can't have a child," she said finally, breathing through the tears. "I can't have your child, Harm." She bit her lip, looking up at his face.

He'd hoped that she would remember their anniversary - the anniversary of their deal, anyway - but he hadn't really thought she'd given it much consideration. His heart leapt that she'd thought about having his child at all - wanted it, even. And his throat tightened as he thought about what she must be going through. He bent down and pressed his lips to her forehead. "I'm so sorry, Mac."

She sighed heavily. "Me, too." She shook her head. "I just...waited too long, I guess. I can't...I'm sorry, Harm." She got up, the sheet still wrapped tightly around herself for modesty, and walked towards the window. She stared out.

"You can't what?" he said, standing and following her, nervousness rising in his voice. "This doesn't change anything, Sarah."

She turned and looked up at him. "It changes _everything_," she said. "Harm, I can't have children. I don't have a future with anyone, not now. Hell,_I_ wouldn't want me now."

He pressed his fingers to her lips. "Don't say that." He took a breath, trying to figure out what to say. They'd both said so many stupid things over the years, ruined so many moments like this. "Mac, any man who's worth it will love you completely. It won't matter to him. Carrying a child isn't the only way to have a family."

She turned away from him again, leaning her head against the glass. "I wish I believed that. I really do." He could tell she was trying so hard to not care, to numb herself to rejection. Didn't she realize what she meant to him?

_If love is an ocean wide, we swim in the tears we cry_

_They'll see us through to the other side, we're gonna make it_

_When love is a raging sea, you can hold on to me_

_We'll find a way tonight, love is an ocean wide_

He put a hand on her waist, coming up behind her. "Sarah MacKenzie, I'm tired of being separated from you. I'm tired of work, other people, _life_ coming between us. I want _you_ to be my life." He slipped his arms around her waist and pulled her against him.

She laughed softly. "Please don't do this out of sympathy, Harm. I know what you want out of a relationship, and I'm not it. Don't sell yourself short." He swallowed hard, knowing he'd made a mistake by not telling her how he felt all these years. He _thought_ she knew, but he knew it wasn't fair to assume that.

Pulling her around to face him, he looked deeply into her chocolate brown eyes. "I mean it, Mac. I want to have a family with you - it doesn't matter how. I know you're still grieving for Clay, I know this isn't the _right_time, but there's never been a right time to say this, has there?" Cupping her chin in his hand, he forced her to meet his eyes. "I'll wait. I don't care how long it is. A week, a month. If you want it, I'll wait. But I love you, Sarah, and I don't plan on letting you forget that anytime soon."

She stared at him, clearly stunned into silence, before opening her mouth. A slight choking noise came out, and a smile tugged at the corner of his lips. "I've rendered the great Sarah MacKenzie speechless?" he joked.

She stood up on tiptoe, pulling his face to her, kissing him softly. It wasn't a terribly deep kiss, but it left promises of things to come, and he savored the taste of her on his skin. "You're insane," she said finally, with a smile. "But I love you, too."

_Love is an ocean wide enough to forget_

_Even when we think we can't_


End file.
